Exton

"Hello, ladies and gentlemen," I begin. "My name is Jack Stone, and I sit here before you tonight as the result of a terrible mistake.

See, what happened - the Tavern had closed for the night and Montenegro was doing a bit of jamming before they put all the equipment away… and I'd had a few too many, I suspect, and I made the mistake - yes, this is THE MISTAKE, ladies and gentlemen - of mentioning that I used to play acoustic and sing a little.

Well… after that, nothing would do but that I had to demonstrate my so-called 'talents' - and damned if they didn't manage to find me an acoustic guitar! Aaand, still too loopy to say 'no'… I sang the song which follows.

I should mention before I begin that this is not MY song. It was written, I believe, by a filksinger named Tom Smith. Don't know what filk is? Well, you owe it to yourselves to find out, and that's all I'm going to say on the subject.

The reason I chose this particular song to demonstrate to Montenegro is that it illustrates so perfectly what my luck is like. And I should also mention that the last line will confuse the hell out of you if you don't know that Tom Smith put out his first album in 1991; and then, due to a series of misadventures, his second album didn't come out until 1994.

The song is entitled "The Really Sick Note". I hope you enjoy it, but either way" - I fling a glare at the band, who're grinning like idiots - "there is NO WAY you're EVER getting me to do this again."

And with that….

My friends, I sing this little song to tell a tale of woe,
About a misadventure I had a while ago,
I've managed to recover, but I'm telling you the truth:
To pick up babes is now a game of my forgotten youth.

I was sitting in a local pub, from my house not too far.
I nursed a couple Pepsis and devoured their taco bar,
When in she walked, or should I say, she made an enter-ance,
'Twas then I realized how bloody damn tight were my pants.

(Grins are beginning to show….)

She moved across the floor like 'twas quicksilver in her joints,
My face grew hot, and my blood pressure shot up thirty points,
She looked around, her eyes met mine, and then she smiled at me --

(A pointed glance at Patti - )

And that's the very moment that I really had to pee.

(Here the male contingent loses it. Been there, huh, guys?)

To my surprise and joy, she was still there on my return,
And as we sat and talked, familiar flames began to burn,
And so, the long and short of it, when everything was said:
We went back to her place to pressure-test the waterbed.

Well, we started getting friendly, then we started getting brash,
Then we started getting naked, moving faster than The Flash,
With both her hands in mine, right down upon the bed I sat,
And that's when I discovered that the lady had a cat.

(Ob and Tori are in hysterics…)

Well, Tabby whipped around and sank her claws into my leg,
And I began to howl and bleed and whine and curse and beg,
And Tabby ripped the mattress open as she tried to flee,
And spilled the damn massage oil over lady, bed, and me.

(Alise has developed a severe case of the giggles, while Stoney tries unsuccessfully to hide a grin.)

I gave a yelp and grabbed the cat, the fur flew fast and thick.
We found ourselves awash on a patchouli oil slick,
The blanket tried to throttle me, and amidst this frantic damp,
The cat tried once more to escape, and broke the bedside lamp.

Now, water, oil, and voltage spelled "electrolysis" to me,
And in that half-ton lava lamp, our split ends ceased to be.
Soggy, burnt, and hairless, but friends, what's really bad,
Is that's the most fantastic sex that I have ever had.

(General hilarity ensues.)

I'm doing rather better since that monkey-love deep-fry.
My body hair has all grown back, most nights I'm pretty dry,
But I've sworn off babes with waterbeds, and cats who can't escape --
And now you know why it took so long to get this second tape.

(Thunderous applause, and I mouth to the gargoyles, "I'll get you for this!".)